I Remember why I never wanted to be a Feminist

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I remember why I didn't want to be a feminist.
I didn't want to be an angry woman because I was already so angry.
I was already angry and I was taught I was not allowed to be. Because I was a woman.
Because I had to forgive, because that was good.
But I didn't know how to be angry... Or that it was okay.
And why would I want to grow up to be angry when I wanted peace? Finally. Peace and freedom to say "no".
The past week, I've had numerous reasons to be angry. And I used my own spiritual practices to not be angry. Because again I wanted to not be angry or feel let down by others. Or robbed. I felt so robbed. (circles this to come back to it later). Then I think it is my fault for not doing things on time, not dealing with the past crap. I can only blame myself. I cannot control others. All this stuff happened because I let myself down so I deserve what happened and what happens to me. And it is true.

What I noticed I do is, especially when I'm afraid to feel a feeling or I don't know what that feeling is, I ask someone, "how would you feel if...." hoping for the answer "I would be angry. That is wrong." Because then it is justified. Or at least I get a name to a feeling I think I was taught to deny myself - through media, religion, parenting. We can't blame one thing.

Now that I'm more aware I think, you can't blame anything anyway because you believed the lie. Stupid. Judgment.

Sometimes this is the reason why I don't say anything or only tell a few people or don't share it because then I will discover that I am allowed to be me, an angry, black woman.

(gets back to the circled part). Robbed. I didn't like that the examples of angry black women around me and what I saw everywhere, were feeling robbed. Why? Because I did not believe in lack or struggle, as a child. To me, there was no such thing. It was confusing. Be angry. Feel robbed. There is enough. Be grateful. There isn't enough, fight for what you want. Trust God. Ask God. And yet, I couldn't.

Yet, I sit here, writing this as an angry woman, not because I "lost" money last night. I was not angry because I did not feel robbed. Or did I? Did I feel robbed by life, secretly? I don't know.
But I also doubt it. I thought... Mmmm these people must be so desperate, their plan was clever, loads of work and that it is not my stuff entirely, but I can learn from it.

I sit here realizing that it is a freedom to be angry. Or to leave space for that anger.

I didn't think of the possibility that maybe being angry was being free and that I was taught that an angry woman was something I shouldn't be and should judge because they are not grateful for the little they received, and that wanting different is wanting more and that is wrong.

I think healthy anger is more than okay. I just didn't know what that looked like in communication. I still don't. For now it still looks like silence. It isn't silly. It's crippling. When I don't allow myself to be angry, it feels like sleep paralysis, my mouth is shut closed, and I can't breathe. The thought of saying something brings up feelings of wanting to die.

Truly. And that is 'normal'. In my world it was normal. But it is changing, slowly. I want to feel less anger towards myself. I want to stop beating myself up to a pulp with the blunt version of the truth (I've heard twice in one week about the story of the hammer where we beat ourselves up just to enjoy the feeling of relief when we stop, in between the beatings).

I have lost more than money this week. But I've learned that losing stuff, physical things, or even when it seems like you lost faith in others (or yourself), you make space.

Maybe it is space to become something other than angry, like peaceful. Or space to become angry and be at peace with it.

It'll come to me. I'll stay on the path. I have wonderful guides. I haven't ever truly been lost. That too was also just a feeling.



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